Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score All-Star Team

Name: Dennis Eckersley
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Closer
Value of card: Even trade for Bazooka Joe comic, circa 1992, wrapped around chewed gum
Key 1991 stat: 42,312 brush strokes (huh-huh)
What a work of art: His mustache, luxurious. His mullet's gleam, blinding. His Eddie Bauer style, legendary even at Yanni concerts. Dennis Eckersley was the portrait of class on and off the field in the late 1980s and early 1990s, which is why he made such a graceful subject of a self-portrait. The Hall of Famer composed the painting on the above card, getting lost in a painstaking attention to detail and a rigid adherence to a truthful depiction of his physical features. As you can see, Eckersley's chin has a phallic shape and protrudes a few feet from his face, just as it did in real life. He wears pillow cases tied with twine around his feet and his legs are shorter than his arms. All documented facts. He has elephantiasis of the cheekbones and a head bigger than his torso. Also, he craps stars. The one thing Eckersley forgot to include in this esteemed artwork: the eight tentacles found in his octopus bulge.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, his head's almost as big as it is in real life.