John Smiley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 11)

Name: John Smiley
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The goop scraped off the inside of a pirate's eye patch
Key 1990 stat: 794,132 frowns
Conversation between John Smiley and Studio photographer, March 11, 1991:
Studio photographer: "Hey, John. It's good to meet you."
John Smiley: "Yeah, yeah."
SP: "OK. Why don't you take a seat over here."
JS: "Whatever."
SP: "OK, great. Looking good. Nice hat. OK, this should be painless. Just smile for me, I'll snap a photo and we'll get you out of here."
JS: (says nothing; stares at photographer)
SP: "OK. One, two, three, smile."
JS: (stares straight ahead)
SP: "C'mon, John. Think of your kids playing in the mud. Or something funny your wife said. One, two, three, smile."
JS: "I don't smile."
SP: "Wow, he speaks. OK. So you don't smile. Great. This is great. How about if I ask real nice? Will you smile for me, big guy?"
JS: "I. Don't. Smile. Period."
SP: "You realize your last name is Smiley, right?"
JS: "I curse my father's corpse because of that name."
SP: "Okey-dokey. Well, that's nice. OK, how about we just go ahead and take the shot then?"
JS: (stares straight ahead)
SP: "Smile."
JS: "Rot in hell."
SP: "... and that's a wrap."


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