Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Studio

Name: Dennis Eckersley
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Closer
Value of card: 16 ecks (12 million ecks equals $1)
Key 1992 stat: 11 awards for mullet

Dennis Eckersley's dating profile, circa 1993

Screen name: ecksondeck69
Age: 47
Height: Tall enough
Weight: Heavy where it counts
Hair color: Flowing
Hairstyle: Glorious
Ethnicity: From the Mullet tribe of the Czech Republic
Want children? Ha!
Past relationships: Ask your sister
Best feature: Bulge
Smoke? Just smokin' fastballs
Drink? Just whatever's left in the 'stache

Seeking: Bedroom favors
Location: Preferably not on the corner — preferably
Her height: No dwarfs
Her body type: Tight as a curveball's spin
Her ethnicity: Skin like a leather handbag

About me: Well, hello, ladies. They call me the Eck, and I'm looking for a wreck, a wreck like you. You see this baseball? How would you like me to sign this for you, then throw it really, really fast? My baseball skills are well-known, but it's my bedroom skills I think you'll be interested in. See this mustache? Want to try it on for a few minutes? It'll only cost you a lip lock. Muah. What's that? You're a little jealous of my flowing man mane? Ha, well, that's OK. Everyone is. Let's cut the chit-chat. You. Me. A pile of one-dollar bills. Lost amid a hurricane of hair. You want to play ball with me? Just get in the box, and let me get into yours.


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