3.30.2011

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Ed Olwine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two scalps (mascot said so)
Key 1988 stat: One brave fashion statement
Ed Olwine, from A to Z:
A - Attention: Computer programmer snuck into dugout. Please get him. Thank you.
B - Brave? Nothing about him says that.
C - Contact lenses aren't made that thick.
D - Dork, dweeb, doofus.
E - Eyes closed to block out career.
F - Face windshields? Check.
G - "Gosh, lady. Ha-huh. I ain't never been with a woman before. Ha-huh."
H - How was this considered a professional athlete?
I - Incinerated bugs with sunlight through glasses.
J - Just met Bill Gates, needs new underwear.
K - Kids still bully him.
L - Looks like Tom Henke.
M - Might be connected to wires behind him.
N - Never met a video game console he didn't like.
O - Over-under on sexual partners in lifetime: one.
P - Pointy chin can cut glass.
Q - Quiet except when someone brings up "Battlestar Galactica."
R - "Revenge of the Nerds" extra.
S - Snaggletooth was one of his better features.
T - Tomahawk in his pants or happy to see her? Tomahawk in his pants.
U - Under that hat, more glasses.
V - VIP at "Dungeons and Dragons" tournament in Tommy Frederick's mom's basement.
W - "Wussy" defined his existence.
X - XIV-centimeter lenses, in Roman numerals.
Y - Youth spent getting hit by bullies' rocks.
Z - Zeal for astrophysics riddles about "D&D."

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1 comment:

  1. Some one should tell Professor X that Cyclops seems to have played hooky from the School for Gifted Youngsters.

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