2.09.2011

Bret Saberhagen, 1996 Donruss

Name: Bret Saberhagen
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Aging ace
Value of card: Knowing that Bret Saberhagen actually played for the Rockies
Key 1995 stat: Two wins
Bret Saberhagen's dating profile, circa 1996:

Screen name: FormerCy2
Age: Younger than Nolan Ryan
Height: 6'1", but I look taller in purple pinstripes
Weight: 160 lbs., without my cleats on
Hair color: Dirty blond. Very dirty
Hair style: Sweaty mullet
Ethnicity: Midwestern
Religious views: You better pray I don't bean you
Want children? Nah, I only like women 18 and older
Martial status: I believe in pre-marital and post-marital
Best feature: Fastball
Smoke? How does 96 mph sound?
Drink? Not before 8 a.m.

Seeking: Women; a new contract
Location: Wherever I get traded to
Her body type: Anything with teeth
Her ethnicity: Redneck

About me: Everyone says it, but I never pictured myself ending up here. No, not an Internet dating service — Denver. I was a legend! I had it all! Cy Youngs, fans, groupies, all the barbecued brisket I could eat. Now, here I am, on a team that didn't even exist back then. Anyway, needless to say, I'm new in town and could use a friend to help me groom my mullet, line up my pinstripes and get the crumbs out of my goatee. I won't deny I've been around the block a few times, but there's a lot of gas left in this old heater. And while I ain't as good as I once was, I'm as good once as I was two weeks ago.
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