1.20.2011

Will Smith, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Stay In School (Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Will Smith
Team: Bel-Air Academy Peacocks
Position: Actor
Value of card: Half a jacket
Key 1991-92 stat: Zero hats worn correctly
The legend of the Fresh Prince: Will Smith was born in West Philadelphia, Pa., to a single mother. Smith grew into a street-smart teenager, spending most of his days on the playground, where he would hang out, "max," relax all cool, and often play basketball near his learning institution. Trouble arose in 1990, when two young men invaded Smith's neighborhood, causing chaos by picking people up and spinning them around on their shoulders. Smith encountered these ruffians one afternoon — and did not fare well in the ensuing fight. His mother, fearful of seeing her son's life wasted, decided to send him to stay with her sister's family in Bel-Air, Calif. Smith, terrified of flying, decided to take a taxi to California, a trip that cost just under $23,000. The cabby's eccentricities — dice hanging from his mirror, a personalized license plate, an unseemly odor — made the trek a rare one. Smith arrived at his new home around 7:30 p.m., bid his driver farewell, and quickly became a royal pain in the butt to his obese uncle and his aunt, who underwent an amazing transformation around Season 3.

And now that you're dying to hear it: Here's the theme song.
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5 comments:

  1. Man. I usually love your dry wit, but this was just especially terrific.

    "causing chaos by picking people up and spinning them around on their shoulders" brilliant!

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  2. Little did anyone know that a genius lurked in that youthful exterior--a genius that would first develop, and then find a cure for, a dreadful mutation-causing disease that would nearly destroy the entire world. Sadly, his dog would also turn into a zombie.

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  3. A few years earlier, this former fashion-challenged teenager would become a fighter pilot, and led an unlikely resistance to an alien invasion upon the Earth, dealing a critical equally-unlikely blow to the enemy with an old Macintosh laptop. This was a true miracle; it was widely known that this Mac could not interface to any other earthly device.

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  4. Eventually, this gangly teenager would grow to become a sullen, uniquely super-powered anti-hero, destined for eternal hot love with Charlize Theron. Which is not a bad thing.

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