1.08.2011

Edgar Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck Special Report

Name: Edgar Martinez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Half a frequent flier mile
Key 1995 stat: Five minutes wearing a glove
Breaking news: For its 1996 set, Upper Deck decided it was time to update the baseball-card-buying public on the effect Edgar Martinez was having on the world. It also decided 17 different fonts were needed to present its findings. Among the more impressive discoveries:
  • Mexico was losing 12 gallons of tequila a month to Martinez's voracious thirst.
  • Canada's ozone layer was being depleted because of his flatulence, which drifted north.
  • Puerto Ricans started eating an average of five more pounds of food a week once Martinez came to the United States.
  • Seattle's Kingdome had to be structurally reinforced in case Martinez ever had to dive for anything.
  • The rare boneless pig was forced to the edge of extinction once Edgar discovered the McRib.
  • Japan's top three sources of entertainment were Hello Kitty, the Power Rangers and Martinez's belly.
  • The world's supply of barbecue sauce dropped exponentially for every pound Edgar put on.
  • People on the East Coast of the U.S. realized for the first time that Seattle had a baseball team.

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