12.30.2010

Johnnie Morton, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 66)

Name: Johnnie Morton
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Two feet of soiled terrycloth
Key 1994 stat: Three Power stickers
Detroit Lions' scouting report on first-round draft pick Johnnie Morton: "This kid has it all: speed, hands, an earring and a flat-top that'll drive all the 16-year-olds crazy. ... Says he hasn't taken off his shoulder pads since 1989. They appear to have actually grown into his skin in places. ... Once ate his weight in pizza at a Pizza Hut lunch buffet. ... Needs a jersey, but has enough wristbands to last until the new millennium. ... Appears to be always crying on the inside. And on the outside. ... Ran the 40 in 4.3 seconds. Drank a 40 in 7.1 minutes. ... Doesn't seem to know how to spell Johnny right. ... Without a doubt, this kid is the player who will put the Detroit Lions in the Super Bowl! Hey, stop laughing!"
Not making this up: After his playing career, Morton tried his hand at mixed martial arts fighting. In his debut, he was knocked out 38 seconds into the first round, carried out on a stretcher and then denied his purse when he refused to take a post-fight drug test. He later tested positive for anabolic steroids. Apparently, he should have taken more of them.
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