11.01.2010

Kevin Seitzer, 1996 Score

Name: Kevin Seitzer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Third base, crumbled in pain
Value of card: Two "prairie oysters," blended, served over ice
Key 1995 stat: One debilitating hit by pitch
Kevin Seitzer's train of thought, 2:14 p.m. to 2:15 p.m. July 17, 1995: "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh. My. God. Owwwwww. I can't believe that bastard hit me. I can't believe I didn't wear a cup. Can't move. So ... much ... pain. My little buddies have liquefied. My goods are bad. The rocks, rickrolled. I need medication. The hurt tastes like grapefruit juice and organs. Ohhhhhh, the humanity! My privates are public. The nuts, cracked. I got an F on the testes. The huevos, rancheros. My gonads aren't going anywhere. The count? Two balls, one strike. Owwwwww."

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