11.23.2010

Carlos Perez, 1996 Donruss Rated Rookie

Name: Carlos Perez
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three bullets, for a finger gun
Key 1995 stat: Four 1990s fashion necessities (backward hat, Oakley Blades, mock turtleneck, ridiculous bulge)
Conversation between Donruss photographer and Donruss editor, March 14, 1996:
Donruss photographer: "So, what do you think of this shot?"
Donruss editor: "Well, where do I start ..."
DP: "So you like it?"
Editor: "No, I don't like it. I don't like the shot and I don't like the guy."
DP: "Carlos Perez is one of the hottest rookies this season."
Editor: "I don't care. This guy is breaking every rule in the book."
DP: "Like what?"
Editor: "Like his backward hat. This isn't a home run derby. This is the national pastime."
DP: "C'mon, he's just having fun."
Editor: "Fun? You call those late-1980s Oakley Blades fun? This guy's a pitcher for chris'sakes."
DP: "He's a character. We should embrace him."
Editor: "Embrace him? He's pointing a finger gun at the camera. Who is this guy?"
DP: "He's the youngest brother in the Perez family. You remember Pascual and Melido, right?"
Editor: "That's exactly my point. He's a fool, just like his brothers. He's wearing a mock turtleneck on a hot day. He's all style, no substance."
DP: "That's part of what makes this shot so memorable."
Editor: "The only thing anyone is going to remember about this shot is the snake-like bulge twisting down to his knee."
DP: "Well, this is the only shot of him I got."
Editor: "Just cover up most of his junk with a big square and print this piece of crap."
DP: "Will do, boss."
Editor: (shakes head, takes shot of whiskey)

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