10.01.2010

Ed Lynch, 1987 Topps

Name: Ed Lynch
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Sorrow
Key 1986 stat: 37 neck wrinkles
The ABCs of Ed Lynch:
A) Acres of chin
B) Blue — not just the color of his V-neck jersey
C) Chicago's saddest man
D) Didn't miss many bats — only 58 K's in 101 innings pitched
E) Expandable throat allowed him to swallow his food whole
F) Facial expression sums up Cubs baseball over the past century
G) Gloomy Gus
H) His heater was more like a lukewarm breeze
I) Irrigation canals on face
J) Jawline nonexistent
K) Knee injury in 1986 not nearly as painful as his broken heart
L) Last year in big leagues was 1987
M) Maybe it should have been 1985, judging by the stats
N) Never learned how to laugh
O) Overactive jowl gland
P) Prune-neck
Q) Quietly wept in the dugout
R) Runners would get hypnotized trying to count his chin folds
S) Squinty
T) Traded by the Mets before they won the World Series. Explains some of the melancholy.
U) Undershirt clearly visible
V) Velvety-smooth skin flaps
W) Wood-grain border on card inspired at least one mediocre humor site
X) X marks the spot — Lynch's neck rolls hold buried treasure
Y) Youth long forgotten
Z) Zero haircuts in previous six months

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