9.05.2010

Joe Montana, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 16 crumbled-up blueprints
Key 1990 stat: Six haircuts a week
The blueprint: Joe Montana was the prototypical quarterback in the 1980s and 1990s. As the artist demonstrated in the above illustration, Montana had the intelligence, arm strength, heart and mobility to define the position. But Fleer forgot to include a few of Montana's most important attributes, which helped make him the best quarterback of his era, and, arguably, of all time. Picture these drawings on the blueprint behind Montana, with arrows pointing to the appropriate places:
Coif: Montana's perfectly groomed hair stood out among football players, as well as male models and Hollywood actors. His golden locks were the color of his helmet, yet as soft as a Pomeranian's underbelly.
Cleft chin: Montana oozed machismo, and his indented chin only added to the mystique of a man's man, a leader of warriors, the Spartacus of San Francisco.
Eight-pack: Few knew of Montana's legendary abs. Most toned athletes sport a six-pack, but Montana took his stomach to the next level, actually growing additional muscles in his abdomen. Coincidentally, when Montana went on a beer run, he always came back with a few eight-packs.
Soft hands: "Joe Cool" may have been manly, but his hands were as soft as milkmaid's. His secret: hourly liberal applications of Bengay.
Bulge: C'mon, when an artist makes your junk look like a sumo wrestler's face, you know you're packin'.

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