9.12.2010

Barry Bonds, 1993 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Barry Bonds
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Left field
Value of card: Seven identical Cracker Jack prize cross earrings
Key 1992 stat: Zero steroids injections - swear to god; no, seriously; on my mother's grave; cross my heart; I take the Fifth
10 other awards Barry Bonds won in 1992:
10) Straightest Mustache, Major League Baseball
9) M.V.P.P.: Most Valuable Pompous Prick
8) Largest Man with Woman's Eyes (three years running)
7) Mr. T Style Award
6) Nonreligious Cross Bearer of the Decade
5) Mediocre Sports Card Blog Player of the Week
4) Most Likely to Have Head Double in Size
3) Nobel Prize in Douchebaggery
2) Lamest Use of Earlobe, Otolaryngology (Ear, Nose and Throat Doctors) Association
1) Tommy Bahama Salesman of the Year

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