8.28.2010

Mitch Williams, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Closer, pitchman
Value of card: Three of the plastic circles left over after manufacturer cuts holes in athletic cups
Key 1991 stat: One annoying song, 21,762 times played
Script from Acme Athletic Cups TV commercial, circa 1991: "Hey there, sports fans. Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams here for Acme Athletic Cups, the world's most supportive codpiece. Take it from a guy who knows what it feels like to get kicked in the junk. (Cut to video of Joe Carter hitting a home run off Williams to clinch World Series title.) When you need protection, support and comfort, smart players slowly and sensually put on an Acme. Acme has been manufacturing the world's most durable athletic cups since the 1930s, and, six decades later, we're still going strong. (Cut to video of unnamed player swinging bat and hitting Williams in crotch.) But Acme cups aren't just strong, they're comfortable. I'm a 'wild' guy who likes to hang out, if you catch my drift. (Cut to shot of Williams perched in dugout, legs spread, bulge on display.) And I like to hang out with the best. Acme, with us, your cup will never runneth over."

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