8.02.2010

Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names: Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton
Teams: Detroit Tigers, Motown Mashers Junkyard Inc.
Positions: Designated hitter, catcher; demolition specialists
Value of card: One rusted-out catalytic converter from a 1976 Buick Skyhawk
Key 1992 stat: 12 vehicles beat with baseball bats into 3-foot-by-3-foot squares, one hour
Taking it to Detroit for The Matchup:

Round 1: Bulge, belly bulge (Winner: Fielder)
Round 2: Eye black overuse (Winner: Tettleton)
Round 3: Double obnoxious armbands (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Rape stare (Winner: Tettleton)
Round 5: Facial hair of a hobo (Winner: Fielder)
Round 6: Not-so-distant future actually working in a junkyard (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Tiger-licious man boobs (Winner: Fielder)

Score: Fielder 3, Tettleton 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was gut-check time for these Detroit power hitters, and that could only mean one thing: Cecil Fielder and his 414 pounds of grrrrrrrr-th overcame Mickey Tettleton and his scary stare on the larger Tiger's way to eating his way out of baseball and becoming a sweat-stained wrecking yard worker.

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