4.14.2010

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The sweat after 10 sets of 10 curls, bro
Key 1993 stat: 12,590 inconspicuous biceps flexes
Clearing up some rumors about Juan Gonzalez:
  • Gonzalez didn't have blood rushing through his veins. He had more muscles in them.
  • Gonzalez didn't do steroids. He was born 6 feet 3 and 220 pounds with 23-inch biceps.
  • Gonzalez didn't have a mullet. He had a giant mustache on his scalp and neck.
  • Gonzalez didn't hang out in Puerto Rican bath houses. Except for this card. And on Tuesdays. And Saturdays. And ...
  • Gonzalez didn't have a massive Adam's apple. That was his neck's biceps.

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