3.30.2010

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Name: Shawn Abner
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One copy, "A Meathead's Guide to Mullets" by Abner, Shawn
Key 1991 stat: Zero times not fired up
The ABCs of Shawn Abner:
A - Angel in the outfield
B - Blurry glove
C - Career .227 hitter
D - Dark, beady eyes
E - Eternally benched
F - Flowing hairdo
G - Grounded into double play — constantly
H - Hat askew
I - INTENSITY!!!
J - Jock strap too tight, thus causing added intensity
K - K's, as in strikeouts — and lots of 'em
L - Look of death
M - Mullet perm
N - Nobody remembers Shawn Abner
O - "Over here! Throw me the ball!"
P - Performance-enhancing drugs: Never took 'em, never played like he did
Q - Quick-moving left hand made him hard to photograph
R - Rheumatoid arthritis — the only explanation for Abner's batting average
S - Six underwhelming major league seasons
T - "Throw me the freakin' ball!"
U - Unnecessarily large forearms
V - Vein throbbing in forehead
W - "Why won't you throw me the FREAKIN' BALL?!"
X - Xenophobia (fear of strangers) could explain why he rarely left the batter's box
Y - "Yes, Mr. Abner, you've been sent back to the minors. Again."
Z - Zero fans
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