Names: Jim Abbott, Taz
Teams: California Angels, The World Umpires Association
Positions: Ace, umpire
Value of card: Two doodles of genitalia
Key 1992 stat: One nonsensical headline
It's time for The Matchup:
Round 1: Calm temperament (Winner: Abbott)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Abbott)
Round 3: Number of hands (Winner: Taz)
Round 4: Double chin (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Facial hair (Winner: Taz)
Round 6: Looniness (Winner: Taz)
Round 7: Beer gut (Winner: Taz)
Score: Taz 4, Abbott 2 (Ties, 1)
Synopsis: After staking an early lead, Abbott falls in integral categories "facial hair" and "beer gut," meaning Taz wins, hands down.
Don't you mean "hand down"? And why is the "ump" on the mound? And "what's" with the "quote marks" around the "head"line? So many questions.
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