Jim Abbott, Taz, 1993 Upper Deck Looney Tunes

Names: Jim Abbott, Taz

Teams: California Angels, The World Umpires Association

Positions: Ace, umpire

Value of card: Two doodles of genitalia

Key 1992 stat: One nonsensical headline

It's time for The Matchup:

Round 1: Calm temperament (Winner: Abbott)

Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Abbott)

Round 3: Number of hands (Winner: Taz)

Round 4: Double chin (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Facial hair (Winner: Taz)

Round 6: Looniness (Winner: Taz)

Round 7: Beer gut (Winner: Taz)

Score: Taz 4, Abbott 2 (Ties, 1)

Synopsis: After staking an early lead, Abbott falls in integral categories "facial hair" and "beer gut," meaning Taz wins, hands down.

Jim Abbott, Taz, 1993 Upper Deck Looney Tunes