12.27.2009

Heathcliff Slocumb, 1997 Topps

Name: Heathcliff Slocumb
Team: Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitcher, The Epitome of Manliness
Value of card: As much as that chain
Key 1996 stat: Zero undershirts
A card that makes you more of a man: Need a boost of testosterone? Take a look at this card. Heathcliff Slocumb and the Topps production team provide what ExtenZe, the Hair Club for Men and beating up a much smaller person can't: masculinity enhancement. Slocumb is a man's man. He doesn't wear an undershirt; he lets the world witness a pectoral covered in a tuft of chest hair. He wears a chain that would drag most men to the ground. Maybe most importantly, his bulge travels nearly to his knee. But Slocumb's manliness doesn't stop there. He rocks a beer gut that would make John Kruk jealous. He has a mustache whose only responsibility is to make the mean look on his face even meaner. And, as a fitting exclamation to the point that Slocumb is The Epitome of Manliness, he doesn't pitch the ball to batters, he punches it at them.

Card submitted by reilljt0

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