10.30.2009

Ronnie Lott, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 6)

Name: Ronnie Lott, aka The Rattler
Team: Boo York Jets
Position: Safety
Fright value of card: Scale of 1 to 10, 2 scales
Key 1993 splat: 10 lady's fingernails
Knowing is half the rattle: Ronnie Lott had a Hall of Fame football career, but he had trouble coping with the void brought by retirement. He tried golf, volunteering and cribbage, but nothing could replace football. Then he was bit by a garter snake and he soon fell in with the wrong crowd. Over the course of a few months his skin began turning green. He started playing pick-up basketball games with Destro, a handsome guy who took bling to the next level. Lott started dating Ruth Baroness, a strong-minded, raven-haired woman with glasses and a 4-inch waist. Lott often found himself at the bar with unsavory characters such as Major Bludd and Doctor Mindbender. During this time, Lott's body was going through changes. he grew a tail, a long tongue and lady's hands. He talked with his new friends, and they told him he looked good. They said he should change his name to The Rattler, and Lott agreed. But when The Rattler asked to join his friends' beer league softball team, called the Cobras, he was told the team's manager, Cobra Commander, said there was no room. The team had a player just like him.

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