10.27.2009

Christian Okoye, 1992 Skybox (Halloween Week No. 3)

Name: Christian Okoye, aka The Nigerian Nightmare
Team: Kansas Scary Chiefs
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: More than 3 cents? In your dreams
Key 1991 splat: One foursome
We have a lot to cover before Halloween: So much is going on in this card it's liable to make someone's head spin like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist." First, let's address the blatant homoeroticism. It would seem Christian Okoye not only sleeps with men three at a time, but prefers his boy toys to dress as opposing teams' players. That's fine. To each their own. But why is the Chargers player praying for Okoye to return to bed? And why is the Broncos player under the covers, facing the wrong way and ogling the Nigerian Nightmare's rear end? And what about the Seahawks player sizing up that backside, framing it in his line of vision, as if he's about to grab it. But let's put the homoeroticism aside. Why are four pairs of cleats sitting at the bedside? Is there a Raiders player stuffed in the love nest? Let's not forget the biker shorts. Okoye's pelvic region looks like an angry raccoon stuck between two giant Cliffords. Gross. Then there's the hat. It's about four sizes too small and the exact color as his face. Two more quick questions: Why is the comforter being pierced by the bedpost? and Why is Okoye growling? Forget the questions, the glove has to be mentioned. We here at the Bust appreciate when a clever idea is beat into the ground; in this case, Skybox must be applauded for tying Okoye's nickname to a popular horror movie franchise. That's frighteningly smart thinking, outside the Skybox.

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