9.27.2009

Frank Thomas, 1992 Score Dream Team

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: $20 credit at Big 5 Sporting Goods
Key 1991 stat: Zero size-appropriate items in this photo
Something doesn't quite fit: What the hell is going on here? The size of Frank Thomas' bat makes even the most secure of men squirm a little. Big Hurt's ballcap appears to be hovering about 7 inches above his head. His batting gloves resemble medieval gauntlets and his belt is cinched directly over his belly button. But the most disturbing thing is the tightness of Thomas' pants. They may be made of Lycra. Look at the way they gather around his knobby little knees. One good thing about these pants: They stop so high, they likely won't get wet in a flood. Those pinstripes are stretched so tight, they're turning into Morse code. And, of course, Thomas is wearing eye black in a photo studio. It only makes sense. Sorry, Score. The Big Hurt may be on your dream team, but this card is one big nightmare.

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