6.20.2009

Will Clark, 1992 Topps Kids

Name: William Nuschler Clark Jr.
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: 42 gallons of testosterone
Key 1991 stats: 4,289 pounds gained; 42 feet grown
A giant attitude: Baseball Card Bust isn't only fun and games. We here at the Bust pride ourselves on our hard-hitting investigative reporting. Until now, Will "The Thrill" Clark had never been linked to steroids. Well, we're doing the linking. In a card obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, it becomes clear "The Thrill" began using performance-enhancing drugs during the 1991 season. Through careful analysis, the Bust found that Clark gained 4,289 pounds and grew 42 feet. To compare, the fan on the bottom left holding the Giants pennant, Bruce Cobbledick, stands 5 feet 9. The woman on the right, Sue Stagler, stands 5 feet 10. Clark, although listed as 6 feet 1 on the back of the card, actually stands 48 feet 1. His biceps are 11 feet in diameter, about the size of a small sequoia redwood. As is common with steroid users, Clark's head enlarged dramatically. In 1992, its size was equivalent to that of one of Saturn's moons. Though scientific evidence shows steroid use shrinks a man's testicles, Clark's bulge is still the size of eight bags of industrial-grade cement heaped on top of one another. Impressive. After all the above evidence is compiled, one thing becomes abundantly clear: Giants use steroids.

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1 comment:

  1. This card should have been a warning sign. Shortly after he was traded to the Rangers he went on a killing spree. Wearing a giant white hat and the newest pair of Lee Dungarees anyone had ever seen, Clark destroyed a high school (They were the Indians, after all). It took millions of dollars to buy the silence of all the witnesses. At least, those that Clark hadn't killed.

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